Saturday, April 30
oh my gosh. lately i've just been eating too much. so unhealthy. few days ago on wednesday was daddy's birthday. daddy turns 43 i think. haha. we didn't get to sing him a birthday song. simply because he didn't want it. : (. but i did wish him though. brother didn't as he's more of the 'bo chap' kind. his exams are coming real soon. and he's still kinda addicted to this online game. mummy's like keep on reminding me everyday to lock the com! but i didn't bother to. by the time i reach home from school i feel deadbeat. thnakfully daddy fetches me most of the time. that's why i usually reach home around evening. or else it would be even later. really got to thank daddy for taking the trouble after work to drop by my school to pick me up. my classmates esp mich have been calling me daddy's boy. actually not true larh. i'm not daddy's boy! -looks away- mich stop calling me daddy's boy or i shall call you daddy's girl. deal? haha. on thursday less than ten of us i suppose went towning to shop for a present for our fellow classmate, xy. we ended up getting a pink bottle for her. super nice bottle. but i must say it's quite ex- for a bottle. each of us chip in a little so i guess it's still alright. before that we went to shop for a present too. for les's ahem. we got her this roxy pencil case. seems like she needs a new pencil case that's why we decided to get her one. then daryl was like. 'can i not pay?' he has something against her. but in god's kingdom everyone is equal! so must learn to accept others for who they are. well seems like i need to learn too. after eating at mos burger which i didn't because dad told me he's getting fried oyster. we went to this puma shop at taka bcoz les wanted to look ard for a sling bag. after that it's time for me to go home. leslie and i walked to the bus-stop which was super far. corny went to collect his pool cue. mich and the others went the other way to their bus-stop. on the way my shoulders were aching. ordered les to carry the bag for me. haha. he actually did. so kind of him. but i felt bad. so i took my bag from him. i know larh. my bag's kinda heavy. shared some personal stuffs with les during the bus journey before i alighted. so now you know how miserable my life is? well. life's like this. we live for the sake bcoz our families and friends care. tutorials are not as great now because i was shifted away from my previous seat. i love my previous seat so much larh. can lean on the wall since it's right at the back of the class. i can eat anytime i want too. do anything i like without the teacher knowing. but NOW i'm right in front. leslie got shifted too. at least i still have someone to talk to. see larh les. talked so much and laughed so loud till we got shifted right in front. be more guai maybe teacher will shift us back. haha. hmm. so far i've only passed my maths. that's all. failed bio. sigh. my just deserts for not studying hard enough. should put in a little more effort. scored 20.5/50 for bio. chem's even worst. i couldn't understand the question. 4/20. maybe i'm just too dumb for jc. but it's too late to regret now. i failed gp too. and this is the first essay i wrote in 2005. ok. i'm just making excuses to cover up for my stupidity. i'm stupid and dumb! i won't go mugging all throughtout the night bcoz i totally hate mugging. studies aside. the past two days were fun. went out with class. still remember ytd after school the same few of us went to bukit timah market to eat. class feast! willy, elena, mich, jes, ann, corny, les, cariann. we ordered quite alot of food. i almost exploded. sheesh. my appetite is small. all of us had the white fried carrot cake. yummy! so delicious. but it will be napfa test for guys next friday. arhhh. i'm screwed. i'l probably get E for all the stations. i can feel that i'm getting fatter and fatter. i don't even exercise. too lazy i guess. and i went home myself since the others went for pool. i'm not daddy's boy. see. i went home myself mich! so you don't have the right to call me daddy's boy anymore. went home took a cool bath then went to nap for a few hours. ended up not doing any work. i'm so screwed. brother paul was saying at the parents' talk some time back that we need to study for a minimum of 18 hours or something like that a week. can't really remember. i barely even studied for 2 hours per week. no wonder i'm always so stupid and useless. my studying attitude still didn't improve much from secondary school days. and i had so much food today too! uncle and aunt brought their kid down. this 3 year old cousin of mine. a few weeks since i've seen him. when i went out of the gate as uncle's car was parked outside my little cousin was shouting 'kor kor'. so cute! carried him into grandparents' house. he's really stubborn at times. everything also wants to eat. since he's just a small kid the adults got to give in to him. but cannot be always giving in to him. uncle bought lotsa stuffs from newton circus. the fried oyster there rocks. so does the satay. they bought this huge stingray too, hokkien mee. and some others. i ate till i almost dropped again. why can't i control my diet?! life's too short so just stay happy and eat whatever you want. that should be the way to live life. though at times i so much feel that i should just put an end to everything. bleahs. shall not talk about sad stuffs now. i still have dad's mum's birthday buffet tml afternoon. after that i will be going for xy's birthday party. arhh. this week is the fattest week! i need to get down to exercise soon before i become a pig. shall go do some work before i sleep tonight. but i'l probably give up half way. i detest my studying attitude. -out-
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8:41 PM
Saturday, April 23
i still hate the way they teach and do things in jc. maybe it's because i'm still not accustomed to life in jc. well actually come to think of it. why am i in a jc? sigh. catching up is one thing. but jc and me just won't click. plus many other stuffs don't click too. i'm down with cold and fever since thursday night. the pe teachers in cjc are heartless. no mc = compulsory to take pe. i fell sick on thursday night. since it was alr late i didn't bother to go visit a doctor. i need to recover soon. it's a must! i will be having napfa next week. standing broad-jump for guys is super tough man. i don't think i'l even hit silver standard. i shall go check out the minimum scores. but i can't seem to find the chart anywhere in the school. and i've brought the wrong chemistry stuffs to grandparents' place to study. what a waste. there are just so many tests coming up next week. i don't know how long it will take. 'no one knows what it's like to feel this feeling'.
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11:16 PM
Friday, April 22
what's the point of turning seventeen when everything seems so meaningless after that? one thing i should be thankful for. actually two things. my family and my class. at least they make my existence in this world more purposeful. whenever i look back into time i can't help but feel that i'm a total failure in life. i'm really not sure if you still treat me as a friend. deep in my heart i wish you still do. nothing is guranteed in life. especailly happiness. you can be happy for now and who knows the next moment you start getting overcome with sadness and begin feeling so depressed? why are we still friends? maybe we'r not. i wish you could be happy but why must you think that way? i agree with cornelius's blog entry. everyone in class is talking about relationships. a likes b. c likes d that kinda thing. but the truth is in reality it hurts. to me life is a learning process. we learn from our mistakes when we crumble. it's a difficult process that i will never be able to make it. it's close to impossible. i can say i'l try my best to. but certain things just prevents me. is everything i say untrue? well i learn from other people at times. is it so hard to seek for forgiveness? if it is then i'l rather throw in the cards and give up. you play the cards yourself. i get sick and tired when things turn hurtful. -she will be loved- time can heal everything. sounds cliche. if it really can work. it would be such a miracle. -prays hard- all i wish now is for me to be able to get on with work soon and don't let anything bother me so much. sigh.
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11:31 PM
Thursday, April 14
this few days my mind is in a total mess. a million thoughts are running through my mind. i don't know should i go or should i stay. but in life we must have the strength to carry on because our family, friends and relatives are the people that will stand by us and shower their unconditional care if someone walks out on us. it really hurts both physically and emotionally. i need to get rest although i can't sleep well. class is great. esp to some people in class. thanks loads. and oh my gosh. i've to express my thanks and gratitude to grandpa and grandma for giving me such a sweet birthday card and reward. i'm sorry from the bottom of my heart. last saturday i really got them worried. sigh. i was out on my bike for more than 2 hours. but i had to make it long. it was the last time we would see each other. i guess there's no more turning back. sigh. wish there could be more. i'm off to bed soon.
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11:52 PM
Monday, April 11
today i turn seventeen. at the same time i feel both happy and sad. while having breakfast this morning i kinda got a call from grandma. omg. she actually woke up so early just to wish me happy birthday. grandpa's probably still asleep. but he did gave me a card and some cash. i'm really thankful for the care and concern my grandparents show towards me. but at times. in fact just this saturday i got them worried for a moment. bleahs. shall'nt talk about it. anyway i returned late last saturday. happy for a moment. sad for another. i'm being such a bytch to someone out there. sigh. i really wish for some stuffs to change for the better. i believe it will. 'if there's a will, there's always a way.' as long as i'm alive. hope still lives. lately my life's caught up with quite alot of stuffs. stress in school is just one thing. of course there are others. ok. i shall blog on what happened in school first. my class was great! i mean really great k. everyone's in birthday celebration mood when i entered class. well they did sing me a touching birthday song. and i didn't expect them to get a present shared among the class. it was a pair of soccer boots! oh my gosh. they'r such wonderful people. i love my class to bits. although i might not express it. but i truly do. the times i spent in cjc were both meaningful and enriching. schooling's never been so great before. on the other hand i miss sji to bits too. i'm so tired and flustered up with stuffs. -big sigh- i wish i could... wipe away all the tears and let the pain fade away. thanks to all who gave me presents. especially my beloved class. [to c.q: despite what happened last saturday i've always appreciated tons what you've done for me all this while. thanks a million for the presents. i wouldn't be what i am today without your guidance and care. i will still care.] [to s.w and gab: big thank you for hearing me out and getting me sweet and nice stuffs for my birthday. nice time talking to the both of you. my understanding juniors forever.]
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11:33 PM
Saturday, April 9
i've come to a realisation on something when i had a conversation with a former classmate of mine sometime back when during my orientation week. i don't know if i should call myself dumb or just determined and willing to persevere to the end to get what i wanted. it kinda struck me again when i realised it was just more than that. arhh. why must life have to go against you at times? it really makes me wonder. should i stay the way i am? sheesh. the obvious would be to get on with life. but certain things will always remain. they were 'meant to be.' the sad part is in reality it will never happen. the odds are much more. in love we search for what is steadfast and perfectly beautiful. but in life. life's like this. people change with time and that's what makes more meaning in life or takes away happiness. i used to believe in getting what i want. the many trials and tribulations in life will always go against me and prove me wrong. things happen for a reason. 'God has a plan for us.' many a time we would not know what He has in store for us but if we trust and believe in Him hopefully we would lead a beautiful and fulfilling life. His promising hope will not lead us astray. people might choose to see a happy me. but that's just the surface. what it really is would be so so different. when i look back into time it's a mixture of emotions. nothing seems too happy or too sad. it's just a big 'sigh.' there will be someone out there who will share the same boat but everyone is different and unique. there will never be everlasting happiness in the world. but there must be peace! loves peace. yesterday i wasted away my afternoon. supposed to work on my piling homework. my mind was elsewhere so i couldn't complete my assignments. it's another barrier other than the exasperation i get when i don't get to solve the questions in my assignments. still have lots of work to catch up on. and that's going to be hell for me. jc's a painful and struggling journey. especially the work load. and the insumounting stress. it makes me realise my limitations too and the route to alevels will be an arduous one. sometimes i just feel like chucking the work aside and giving my mind a little time away but more work will come. so it's as good as working 24/7. i guess my time management is really sucky. need improvement on that. someone teach me how! well time management should be on an individual basis. shall come up with a personal time-table real soon. or i'l drop dead with all the never-ending work. well i have something to say about our class. really fun class i must say. with all the great people our class will never be bored. it's a girl dominated class with about twice as many girls as guys. girl power class! yee. but the girls bully the guys. =p. on the whole 1T38 is still as wonderful as ever. that's the fun thing of jc. well having a great class means jc's increadible. [hope i can to meet c.q tonight. oh ya. don't worry. i will never take you for granted alright. you make one of the best gifts life can offer. time to cheer up okie. it will be my birthday day next monday. you must try to stay happy no matter what. please take care loads.]
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11:21 AM
Friday, April 1
lalalas. today was kinda class outing for us. most people turned up. well i was supposed to go for canoeing trials but i pon-ned to go out with my class. to all those people whom i promised. really sorry. after hearing from my friend from canoeing. i knew him since primary 1 but we kinda ended up cjc. so we started talking and all after so many years. i think canoeing doesn't suit me. i need time to adapt and learn the proper strokes. plus the training hours. i will probably die if i join canoeing. and i've not been eating. so i'm weak lately. i seriously need to try and eat more. lectures were erm bad. i can't copy the stuffs and listen to the teacher at the same time. i need to do more reading up. we had official lessons today. i find them boring maybe because i don't get what the teacher was saying. especially biology. the rest of the lessons were quite fine. my class rocks. full of nice and great people to hang out with. i need to catch some sleep soon. need to wake up early tomorrow. shall blog properly soon. -yawns-
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11:28 PM